Push That Button

This is an open letter to my kids.

I wrote the poem below shortly after Mackenzie was born.  During my pregnancy, my life was full of turmoil and strife.  Being pregnant, I felt emotional, weakened, and victimized because of it.  I thought pregnancy was supposed to be 9 months of glowing bliss and crocheting baby booties.  It wasn't supposed to be complicated, painful, and vicious.  But I realized I was stronger than I ever thought possible.  I found my strength lurking in the dark parts of my soul.  Parts that only God and the gaze of your child can bring out.

So I write this to you, Mackenzie and Liam, for the times that this world hurts you (because it will), when you are wounded, or when you feel like everything is too much to handle. You see, these are the times that you discover just how strong you really are.  There is strength inside of you and with God.  He walks with you, cries with you, hurts with you.  He feels your pain and it saddens him.  Which is why He has a reservoir of strength just waiting for you to tap in to.  All you have to do is ask Him.  Between yourself and God, you are stronger than this world.  Imagine you are a super hero,  and you have a button that can activate your super strength.  Do that.  Push that button.  Then turn around and face this world head on, because you are stronger than anything it can throw at you.  I love you both.

Hello to High and Dry

I wasn't myself for a while, I went away. I needed to step outside and tend to a little seed that was planted. Life doesn't allow you a smoke break though. While I was outside in unfamiliar territory, Life came at me. It came even as I looked the other way and was giving everything I had to this little seed. I crumbled under the onslaught of emotions. My knees gave in and I fell hard. But I wasn't myself for a while.

Life is knocking on my door again, but this time I am here and the light is on. I am not crumbling under the weight of disappointment or defeat. I am standing tall. And the little seed planted so long ago is now a beautiful flower. Life can come at me from any direction, I have been reunited with the person I once knew myself to be. That person surprises even herself at the reservoir of strength found in her soul. The playing field has been leveled. I am myself again.

Quilt of holes...

Mornings are the hardest. I wake up and face a new day in a different place than my heart. And it just makes my heart feel so heavy. I recognize all the generosity and blessings I have here, but knowing that I am facing all of this without the one who was supposed to be one flesh with me for life... just takes so much effort.

One day is anger. Boiling, searing, consuming anger. The next day is sadness. Heavy, draining, disorienting sadness. But even in the midst of the overwhelming emotions, there is a calm in me. Because I know with a certainty that I am not going through this alone. I am not the only one who feels my pain and sorrow. God shares it with me, he is with me now. And that is why despite all that pushes me back, I keep stepping forward.

***Please share any inspirational verses or poems or stories you may have, they really do touch me and keep my hope in tact. Here is my favorite:

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'


May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!


"God determines who walks into your life ...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

The Ugly Duckling

I was once a nerd. Who am I kidding? I still am. But it doesn't matter, because even though I may not have been the coolest girl in school, I was loved anyway. And now over a decade later, those friends that looked passed my coke bottle glasses, greasy bangs, annoying laugh, strange fashion sense, and..... I think you get the point.... Those friends who liked me then, still like me now.

I am so lucky to be able to look back on my years of awkwardness and not feel a sense of sadness or embarrassment. It took 34 years to become comfortable in my own skin, but I really hope I can teach my kids to do it much sooner.

Although this story doesn't end with a miraculous transformation into a beautiful swan (as depicted to the left), the love I have been shown by all of my old friends has always made me feel like one. Thank you all, for your unconditional friendship.

(Especially those of you who knew me in middle school!)

My Testimony

"to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you" 1peter 2:9



Before I was baptised I was asked to share my testimony. Here is what I shared:

1. What was my life like before I met Jesus:
A seed was planted in my soul many years ago. I knew it was there but I didn't nourish it, nor did I ever pay it any attention at all. I kept living my life as I wanted to, I was in the pursuit of happiness. I wanted to get married and have a family. Yet, I was struggling to find it in places it didn't exist. There was a voice in the back of my head that would scream at me sometimes... "You know this isn't where your life should be!" But I ignored it and kept pushing. I was certain I could force my life in the direction of happiness by going the opposite way. Shockingly, it didn't work. I wasn't happy even though I was doing everything I wanted to. It wasn't until I was so disgusted and beaten down from disappointment, that I realized the battle I was fighting had no cause.


2. How I realized I needed Jesus:
I questioned myself on why I wanted to swim against the current so badly. I knew in my heart that I was pursuing a life that wasn't what God had planned for me. And I honestly thought I could ignore that voice and find happiness where I wanted it to be. I realized I needed Jesus when I looked in the mirror and saw how empty my life was. I needed help and direction.


3. How I committed my life to Jesus:
The seed that had burrowed itself deep inside of me years ago was still there, waiting patiently. I ignored it and left it idle until the day I relinquished control of my life to Jesus. Then I began to nurture and water the seed. The day it broke the surface and bloomed into a bright flower was February 20th, 2011. The day I was baptised.


4. The difference Jesus has made in my life:
I feel a calm that wasn't there before. And I feel His warmth on me. Even when I'm struggling and fighting to make it through, even then it feels different, like my fights now have a purpose. That purpose is to reveal a message God wants to get to me through hardship. Before, it was just an endless and pointless battle for nothing. Once I stopped running and listened, He showed me where to find my family. And He blessed me with two magnificent angels to watch over, Mackenzie and Liam.


I hope someday my husband will start to water the seed waiting inside of him. The pastor at our church told me, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1Peter 3

With this ring I thee wed...

It all started when my husband started leaving his wedding ring at home when he left for work. So I asked him about it. He said he didn't like wearing his ring to work, it was similar to when he went out to the field when he was in the Army, he never wore it then either.

I didn't like that answer. I felt a little hurt. I was never worried about infidelity. It was more about wanting to show our love to the world, to show strangers that we have a special someone at home. I was putting a lot of thought and emphasis on that inanimate object.

It led to further discussion and I began to realize he truly was doing this for work purposes. I won't go in to the details, but in his profession a lot of men don't wear their rings for numerous reasons. So I slowly began to realize that it made sense for him to leave it at home, so long as he wore it when he was off. But secretly in the back of my mind I hoped he would change his mind just to make me happy.

A few days later, we lost my husbands wedding ring. We spent several days looking for it and tearing our house apart. We tried enticing our 3 year old with chocolate if she would tell us that she put the ring somewhere. We took a flashlight and looked in every crevice of our house. We took the sheets and mattress off our bed and searched thoroughly. We looked in every shoe, in the washer and dryer, in the couch cushions, etc....

My husband was infuriated. He was very upset that it was gone, which reassured me that there was sentimental value behind it for him. So I told him, "It's gone. But we're still married." The next morning he said he agreed with me, we weren't going to let a ring ruin our weekend. So it got me thinking.... are wedding rings a tradition set forth by the Bible, or by man?

I found this: "Although the Bible has quite a few references to marriage and weddings it does not establish the use of any particular symbols such as wedding rings to represent the marriage commitment. God made marriage, so marriage is holy. Only God can make something holy. Since he didn't command the use of wedding rings, there is nothing holy about them." (from http://www.biblestudy.org/question/are-wedding-rings-biblical-what-do-they-symbolize.html)

So I've decided that I need to remind myself the importance of my marriage, and not my jewelry. I told my husband I will not wear my wedding ring until we find his. And I said that it doesn't mean we don't love each other or want to be unfaithful. Just the opposite, in fact, it means that I love him so much that I'm secure enough to go without a symbol. For the time being, neither of us have our wedding rings on. And our marriage couldn't be stronger. It's a lesson I want to teach myself.

I miss the feel of my ring, the comfort of it, the sentiments it holds, the shiny diamond.... :D So as soon as we find his ring or replace it, I will wear mine again, proudly. Until then... I will be at peace with the fact that our marriage is still a holy one.

The Queen of.... what??

I started out my day by hitting the top of our trash can repeatedly, resulting in a broken lid. It should have closed when I wanted it to.

I suppose the anger came from my disappoinment at the way the prior night had gone. But I learned a valuable lesson on my quest to becoming the Queen of Zen. Don't ever expect things to go perfectly, because when they don't, it just pisses you off so much more.

Got the kids to bed early, hoping for at least an extra hour of sleep. But then kid #1 started puking all over my bed and herself. Curdled milk and macaroni. Yum. Then kid #2 decided he wanted to eat every 2 hours. Fun. So I woke up this morning tired and pissed.

Managed to get kid #1 to preschool on time. Despite the bloody ear she had this morning from her earring and our wrestling match to get it out. Also managed to eat breakfast with the hubby, do a job interview, go grocery shopping, stop by pharmacy, unload groceries in a down pour, pick kid #1 up from school, go to Babies R Us for new formula, prepare lunch, load laundry and dishwasher, and update my blog. It is now 4pm and I still have more to do.... bathe both kids and myself tonight, cook dinner for the hubby, fold laundry, and maybe get another nights rest of 5 hours.

So what's the point of this blog? Absolutely nothing. I just like to hear myself talk. The hubby sure doesn't. However, I do want to say that every working mother out there is my hero. There is no way I could do this with a job. Of course I will have to very soon, but kudos to all you working moms out there. Kudos. You rock.

So tonight I am going to prepare for the worst. Kid #1 will probably stay up way too late and fuss. Kid #2 will probably spit up every bottle he eats and wake every 2 hours. One of the legs on my bed will probably break and I will roll off the bed in my sleep, I'll also get very sick and wake up with severely swollen lips from an allergic reaction to a bed bug. Oh, and I will have slept a whopping 4 hours. Can't wait.

I am the Queen of Zen. I am the Queen of Zen.
OOOOOHHHHHMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Road map please!!

It was so silly of me to actually try and plan ahead or create a time line of some sort for my life. Who was I to think I have that much control? I really wish I had a map to follow in regards to my life and all the decisions we make!

Two days before Buddy is to be sworn in to the US Army Reserves, we get a phone call. A police department in TN calls almost a year after Buddy originally interviewed with them, and they want to continue the screening process. This is exactly what we have been hoping and waiting for, but almost gave up on. A chance to get Buddy in to the line of work he really wants.

But this would mean we'd have to hold off on the Reserves, which I have already calculated in to our future plans! The Satellite Communications job probably won't be available in the future so this decision is hard. It's so funny how Life likes to throw you off every once in a while. Do we take a chance and go for this rare opportunity? Or do we stick to the map already drawn out?

There is no guarantee that Buddy will get the police job, but when he heard the message from the Detective today, his face lit up. I could see the surge of excitement go through him. So it looks like we are going to take a chance and go for it. If we end up with nothing, then so be it. I will just create a new map of our lives for God to laugh at and change.