The Ugly Duckling

I was once a nerd. Who am I kidding? I still am. But it doesn't matter, because even though I may not have been the coolest girl in school, I was loved anyway. And now over a decade later, those friends that looked passed my coke bottle glasses, greasy bangs, annoying laugh, strange fashion sense, and..... I think you get the point.... Those friends who liked me then, still like me now.

I am so lucky to be able to look back on my years of awkwardness and not feel a sense of sadness or embarrassment. It took 34 years to become comfortable in my own skin, but I really hope I can teach my kids to do it much sooner.

Although this story doesn't end with a miraculous transformation into a beautiful swan (as depicted to the left), the love I have been shown by all of my old friends has always made me feel like one. Thank you all, for your unconditional friendship.

(Especially those of you who knew me in middle school!)

My Testimony

"to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you" 1peter 2:9



Before I was baptised I was asked to share my testimony. Here is what I shared:

1. What was my life like before I met Jesus:
A seed was planted in my soul many years ago. I knew it was there but I didn't nourish it, nor did I ever pay it any attention at all. I kept living my life as I wanted to, I was in the pursuit of happiness. I wanted to get married and have a family. Yet, I was struggling to find it in places it didn't exist. There was a voice in the back of my head that would scream at me sometimes... "You know this isn't where your life should be!" But I ignored it and kept pushing. I was certain I could force my life in the direction of happiness by going the opposite way. Shockingly, it didn't work. I wasn't happy even though I was doing everything I wanted to. It wasn't until I was so disgusted and beaten down from disappointment, that I realized the battle I was fighting had no cause.


2. How I realized I needed Jesus:
I questioned myself on why I wanted to swim against the current so badly. I knew in my heart that I was pursuing a life that wasn't what God had planned for me. And I honestly thought I could ignore that voice and find happiness where I wanted it to be. I realized I needed Jesus when I looked in the mirror and saw how empty my life was. I needed help and direction.


3. How I committed my life to Jesus:
The seed that had burrowed itself deep inside of me years ago was still there, waiting patiently. I ignored it and left it idle until the day I relinquished control of my life to Jesus. Then I began to nurture and water the seed. The day it broke the surface and bloomed into a bright flower was February 20th, 2011. The day I was baptised.


4. The difference Jesus has made in my life:
I feel a calm that wasn't there before. And I feel His warmth on me. Even when I'm struggling and fighting to make it through, even then it feels different, like my fights now have a purpose. That purpose is to reveal a message God wants to get to me through hardship. Before, it was just an endless and pointless battle for nothing. Once I stopped running and listened, He showed me where to find my family. And He blessed me with two magnificent angels to watch over, Mackenzie and Liam.


I hope someday my husband will start to water the seed waiting inside of him. The pastor at our church told me, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1Peter 3

With this ring I thee wed...

It all started when my husband started leaving his wedding ring at home when he left for work. So I asked him about it. He said he didn't like wearing his ring to work, it was similar to when he went out to the field when he was in the Army, he never wore it then either.

I didn't like that answer. I felt a little hurt. I was never worried about infidelity. It was more about wanting to show our love to the world, to show strangers that we have a special someone at home. I was putting a lot of thought and emphasis on that inanimate object.

It led to further discussion and I began to realize he truly was doing this for work purposes. I won't go in to the details, but in his profession a lot of men don't wear their rings for numerous reasons. So I slowly began to realize that it made sense for him to leave it at home, so long as he wore it when he was off. But secretly in the back of my mind I hoped he would change his mind just to make me happy.

A few days later, we lost my husbands wedding ring. We spent several days looking for it and tearing our house apart. We tried enticing our 3 year old with chocolate if she would tell us that she put the ring somewhere. We took a flashlight and looked in every crevice of our house. We took the sheets and mattress off our bed and searched thoroughly. We looked in every shoe, in the washer and dryer, in the couch cushions, etc....

My husband was infuriated. He was very upset that it was gone, which reassured me that there was sentimental value behind it for him. So I told him, "It's gone. But we're still married." The next morning he said he agreed with me, we weren't going to let a ring ruin our weekend. So it got me thinking.... are wedding rings a tradition set forth by the Bible, or by man?

I found this: "Although the Bible has quite a few references to marriage and weddings it does not establish the use of any particular symbols such as wedding rings to represent the marriage commitment. God made marriage, so marriage is holy. Only God can make something holy. Since he didn't command the use of wedding rings, there is nothing holy about them." (from http://www.biblestudy.org/question/are-wedding-rings-biblical-what-do-they-symbolize.html)

So I've decided that I need to remind myself the importance of my marriage, and not my jewelry. I told my husband I will not wear my wedding ring until we find his. And I said that it doesn't mean we don't love each other or want to be unfaithful. Just the opposite, in fact, it means that I love him so much that I'm secure enough to go without a symbol. For the time being, neither of us have our wedding rings on. And our marriage couldn't be stronger. It's a lesson I want to teach myself.

I miss the feel of my ring, the comfort of it, the sentiments it holds, the shiny diamond.... :D So as soon as we find his ring or replace it, I will wear mine again, proudly. Until then... I will be at peace with the fact that our marriage is still a holy one.

The Queen of.... what??

I started out my day by hitting the top of our trash can repeatedly, resulting in a broken lid. It should have closed when I wanted it to.

I suppose the anger came from my disappoinment at the way the prior night had gone. But I learned a valuable lesson on my quest to becoming the Queen of Zen. Don't ever expect things to go perfectly, because when they don't, it just pisses you off so much more.

Got the kids to bed early, hoping for at least an extra hour of sleep. But then kid #1 started puking all over my bed and herself. Curdled milk and macaroni. Yum. Then kid #2 decided he wanted to eat every 2 hours. Fun. So I woke up this morning tired and pissed.

Managed to get kid #1 to preschool on time. Despite the bloody ear she had this morning from her earring and our wrestling match to get it out. Also managed to eat breakfast with the hubby, do a job interview, go grocery shopping, stop by pharmacy, unload groceries in a down pour, pick kid #1 up from school, go to Babies R Us for new formula, prepare lunch, load laundry and dishwasher, and update my blog. It is now 4pm and I still have more to do.... bathe both kids and myself tonight, cook dinner for the hubby, fold laundry, and maybe get another nights rest of 5 hours.

So what's the point of this blog? Absolutely nothing. I just like to hear myself talk. The hubby sure doesn't. However, I do want to say that every working mother out there is my hero. There is no way I could do this with a job. Of course I will have to very soon, but kudos to all you working moms out there. Kudos. You rock.

So tonight I am going to prepare for the worst. Kid #1 will probably stay up way too late and fuss. Kid #2 will probably spit up every bottle he eats and wake every 2 hours. One of the legs on my bed will probably break and I will roll off the bed in my sleep, I'll also get very sick and wake up with severely swollen lips from an allergic reaction to a bed bug. Oh, and I will have slept a whopping 4 hours. Can't wait.

I am the Queen of Zen. I am the Queen of Zen.
OOOOOHHHHHMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm.